Treasure Analysis Paper
Treasure
Girl, when you walk by me, time takes a pause.
My heart skips a beat, I can’t help but stare.
When you flash that smile, it drops peoples’ jaws.
You are stunning; no other can compare!
Girl, when you speak, the angels sing "rejoice."
You always know the perfect words to say.
I’m hypnotized by the sound of your voice.
You're the reason I wake up every day.
Girl, every time we kiss my dreams come true.
We’re in our own world; forget everyone.
I don’t need anything, except for you.
As for other girls out there for me, there are none.
I have found you, and will keep you forever,
For the key to your heart is the world's most precious treasure.
Treasure is a romantic poem written for a girl that I personally know and care about. The sonnet explains some of the feelings I have for her, and a few of the things she does that simply have me falling for her. The treasure itself is referring to the "key to her heart," which is remarkably important to me and something I never want to let go of. I start each of the first three stanzas with "Girl" because I think it expresses my writer's voice, and is something I would actually say to her or any girl I have special feelings for. It also gives the poem a sort-of steadiness and reminds the reader I am talking about one girl throughout the sonnet.
In the first four lines, I wrote about her physical appearance and how attractive and appealing she is. "Girl, when you walk by me, time takes a pause," is the opening line and I meant it to have an impact on the reader right away. This line by itself tells the reader my message of the poem right off the bat. It is a romantic poem about a girl that means so much to me, that "time stops" or at least I wish it did. My time with her is something I "treasure" and I only wish our time together would last longer. "My heart skips a beat, I can't help but stare," is talking about how beautiful she is and how excited I get when I spot her coming towards me. "When you flash that smile, it drop's peoples' jaws," talks about her gorgeous, jaw-dropping smile that lights up my day and has tremendous healing powers. Her smile could turn a terrible day I'm having into a fantastic one. "You are stunning; no other can compare," once again is referring to her beauty, and how she is the only one for me and no one else on earth comes close to winning my heart.
In the second four lines, I wrote about how I feel when she talks to me. "Girl, when you speak the angels sing "rejoice"" and "I'm hypnotized by the sound of your voice," are great lines that just explain how wonderful her voice sounds and how incredible she makes me feel with every word that comes out of her mouth. "Hypnotized" was a word I chose because it is humorous and describes my personality a little bit. I'm more of a listener then a talker normally, and many girls and friends have come up to me or called me to talk because they see me as someone that listens and gives good advice. It is a quality that I think is important and I'm always happy of course to help others sort out their problems if I can. "You always know the perfect words to say," talks about how she can always make me happy with her words or company, and can cheer me up with ease. "You're the reason I wake up everyday," says that even though I might be dreading school or the day ahead, just thinking about her and the possibility of seeing her is enough to make me go to school and face everything else.
In the third stanza, I wrote about the explosion of happiness that occurs inside me when we kiss. Every kiss makes "my dreams come true." "We're in our own world; forget everyone," is an actual feeling I share with this special girl, and how it actually feels when we are together. I feel like I don't need anyone else as long as I have her. It's an amazing feeling. She truly is the girl of my dreams, and I don't ever want her to leave my dreams, because that means she has left my life. "I don't need anything, except for you," is repeating the fact that she is my everything and can give me everything I could ever want or need. The last line relates to the last line in the first stanza too because I wanted to wrap up the first and third with similar thoughts and that is that she is pretty much my one and only.
The final two lines of the poem are the reason why my poem is entitled Treasure. "I have found you, and will keep you forever, for the key to your heart is the world's most precious treasure." My twist on the poem is that I have found her, captured her heart, and don't ever intend to lose it because nothing on earth is more valuable. The rest of the poem is talking about specific things or feelings she gives me, but the end talks about my overall perspective and how hard I want to and will work to keep her as my girl. My mom used to tell me about soul-mates, and I do believe that there is one girl out there for everyone. My mom told me that when I found the girl of my dreams, to "treasure" her, treat her with the best respect possible, and never let her go. Well, I have found that girl my mom always told me about, and now I am taking her advice and following through. I know deep down that high school relationships do not last, and there is a great probability that I will find at least one more person in life I care more about then this girl, but I live life to the fullest and I am going to enjoy all the time I spend with her while I can. The key to her heart is my most valued and dearest treasure.
2 comments:
This is such a good sonnet/analysis paper. Since it's personal, you can really tell that you mean everything you say. I enjoyed reading this!
CB: Yulia Charipova
Treasure
Girl, when you walk by me, time takes a pause.
My heart skips a beat, I can’t help but stare.
When you flash that smile, it drops peoples’ jaws.
You are stunning; no other can compare!
Girl, when you speak, the angels sing "rejoice."
You always know the perfect words to say.
I’m hypnotized by the sound of your voice.
You're the reason I wake up every day.
Girl, every time we kiss my dreams come true.
We’re in our own world; forget everyone.
I don’t need anything, except for you.
As for other girls out there for me, there are none.
I have found you, and will keep you forever,
For the key to your heart is the world's most precious treasure.
[WOW! I really like your sonnet. I like how you start every stanza off with “Girl,” it gives it a nice repetition and beat. I thought all of the stanzas have a nice flow, but I think the third one sound a little choppy, it seems like there should be another syllable in the second and third lines.]
Treasure is a romantic poem written for a girl that I personally know and care about. The sonnet explains some of the feelings I have for her, and a few of the things she does that simply have me falling for her. The treasure itself is referring to the "key to her heart," which is remarkably important to me and something I never want to let go of. I start each of the first three stanzas with "Girl" because I think it expresses my writer's voice, and is something I would actually say to her or any girl I have special feelings for. It also gives the poem a sort-of steadiness and reminds the reader I am talking about one girl throughout the sonnet. [Good introduction. I would elaborate on the feelings that you have for your “Girl.”]
In the first four lines, I wrote about her physical appearance and how attractive and appealing she is. "Girl, when you walk by me, time takes a pause," is the opening line and I meant [for] it to have an impact on the reader right away. {This line by itself tells the reader my message of the poem right off the bat.} [This sentence is sort of like the one before it. I think you should take it out. They both tell that your line in the poem tells the reader what you mean “right away” or “right off the bat.”] It is a romantic poem about a girl that means so much to me, that "time stops" or at least I wish it did. My time with her is something I "treasure" and I only wish our time together would last longer. "My heart skips a beat, I can't help but stare," is talking about how beautiful she is and how excited I get when I spot her coming towards me. "When you flash that smile, it drop[']s [you don’t need that apostrophe] peoples' jaws," talks about her gorgeous, jaw-dropping smile that lights up my day and has tremendous healing powers. Her smile could turn a terrible day I'm having into a fantastic one. [Again you are using the same idea and words in two consecutive sentences. You say she “light up my day” and then you are saying that she “turns a terrible day into a fantastic one.” This is basically the same thing, so maybe have a deeper meaning, and instead of talking about that specific day, you could use a broader perspective. For example saying that wherever she goes, the sun shines, and peace is in the air. Maybe say that you can feel her presence without knowing she is there just by the positive energy that fills the room when she walks in.] "You are stunning; no other can compare," once again is referring to her beauty, and how she is the only one for me and no one else on earth comes close to winning my heart.
In the second four lines, I wrote about how I feel when she talks to me. "Girl, when you speak the angels sing "rejoice"" and "I'm hypnotized by the sound of your voice," are great lines that {just} [don’t think you need the “just”] explain how wonderful her voice sounds and how incredible she makes me feel with every word that comes out of her mouth. "Hypnotized" was a word I chose because it is humorous and describes my personality a little bit. I'm more of a listener then a talker normally, and many girls and friends have come up to me or called me to talk because they see me as someone that listens and gives good advice. It is a quality that I think is important and I'm always happy [of course] to help others sort out their problems if I can. [ORDER OF WORDS: I think you should put “of course” at the beginning, or just take it out. “it is a quality that I think is important, and of course I am always happy to help other sort out their problems.] "You always know the perfect words to say," talks about how she can always make me happy with her words or company, and can cheer me up with ease. "You're the reason I wake up everyday," says that even though I might be dreading school or the day ahead, just thinking about her and the possibility of seeing her is enough to make me go to school and face everything else.
In the third stanza, I wrote about the explosion of happiness that occurs inside me when we kiss. [Nice word choice, but I think “joy” would sound better than “happiness.”] Every kiss makes "my dreams come true." "We're in our own world; forget everyone," is an actual feeling I share with this special girl, and how it actually feels when we are together. I feel like I don't need anyone else as long as I have her. It's an amazing feeling. She truly is the girl of my dreams, and I don't ever want her to leave my dreams, because that means she has left my life. "I don't need anything, except for you," is repeating the fact that she is my everything and can give me everything I could ever want or need. The last line [of the third stanza] relates to the last line in the first stanza too because I wanted to wrap up the first and third with similar thoughts and that is that she is pretty much my one and only.
The final two lines of the poem are the reason why my poem is entitled Treasure. "I have found you, and will keep you forever, for the key to your heart is the world's most precious treasure." My twist on the poem is that I have found her, captured her heart, and don't ever intend to lose it because nothing on earth is more valuable. The rest of the poem is talking about specific things or feelings she gives me, but the end talks about my overall perspective and how hard I want to and will work to keep her as my girl. My mom used to tell me about soul-mates [don’t need the hyphen, it’s just 2 separate words], and I do believe that there is one girl out there for everyone. My mom told me that when I found the girl of my dreams, to "treasure" her, treat her with the best respect possible, and never let her go. Well, I have found that girl {my mom always told me about,} [I think you should just take that out and say: “Well, I have found that girls and I am taking my mom’s advice and following through.”] and now I am taking her advice and following through. I know deep down that high school relationships do not last, and there is a great probability that I will find at least one more person in life I care more about then this girl, but I live life to the fullest and I am going to enjoy all the time I spend with her while I can. The key to her heart is my most valued and dearest treasure.
[Really good analysis. I thought that the flow was pretty good and that your word choice is mostly great. It is nice that you have someone to share lots of loving emotions with and that you are willing to share your emotions with the reader. I like the way that you incorporated quotes from your sonnet and explained them without making the analysis sound boring. Overall, I thought this analysis was a great one. You made sure that the reader understood perfectly the message that you were trying to get across. Sometimes there is unneeded repetition, but mostly, it was a good analysis.]
Here is how I graded you:
Message/Support: 20/20
Clarity: 16/20
Technique (word choice/grammar): 19/20
Fluency/Organization: 17/20
Voice (Style): 16/20
Total: 88/100
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